Description
Resources:
When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat: https://amzn.to/41iwyu6 (Disclosure: This is an affiliate … (visit YouTube for more)
Transcript
In this video, I’m going to answer four questions. What is narcissism? What does it look like when we see narcissism expressed in the church? What does the Bible say about it? And what can we do?
But before I get into that, I should just say a little disclaimer. I am not a medical guy. Although I’m a qualified solicitor, I’m not giving legal advice here. I’m just a man who loves the Bible and loves the family of God. And I’m hoping that together as we look at this subject, we can understand it better in a way that can bring blessing into God’s church and reduce harm.
What we’re gonna talk about today might potentially be triggering, certainly for people who have been victims of narcissistic abuse. So I would say to you, if you fall into that category, you may not want to watch this whole video, or at the very least seek some help. I’m gonna put some pointers to places you might look for help in the description for this video.
My main purpose here though is to reflect on God’s word and to look for discernment together, so that we can grow in discipleship. We’re not here to point fingers at people. We are here to be a loving body of Christ.
Ultimately, our purpose as Christians, as believers is to grow more into the likeness of Christ. And that includes us personally turning from our own ongoing sin. So anytime we look at a, a topic like this, like narcissism, we have to ask ourselves if we are honest, if we’re humble, does any of this describe me?
Also, we are not here to demonise narcissists. We should only demonise demons, right? So human beings are all made in the image of God. We are made in the image of God. We are beautiful according to God’s definition of beauty.
And no person is defined by one dimension or one diagnosis. So yes, even somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, if there is a fully clinical diagnosis, even they are made in the image of God. And that aspect of them, of their experience does not define who they are.
Before I started this video, I read a, a great book, which I would recommend by a gentleman called Chuck DeGroat. The book’s called When Narcissism Comes to Church. And one of the things that he says in it is “Each of us is both beautiful and broken, hiding and hidden in Christ, knowable and utterly mysterious.” So we need to be humble in all our dealings with each other and as we come to the word of God together.
We also should avoid being hasty in diagnosing other people or condemning them. Yes, some people may present with some characteristics that appear to be narcissistic. That doesn’t mean that they have a diagnosable pathological condition. We are all sinners. We’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. But we are not excusing sin, and we are certainly not giving a pass to those whose narcissistic behaviour abuses other people.
So I’ll say again, I’m gonna put some resources in the description for people who want to find out any more or who need support. I’m not gonna dwell too much on that within this video because my intention here is to look at what it is, what it looks like in the church and most importantly, what does the Bible say about it? What can we learn through the lens of scripture? I am not an expert in narcissism, but let’s first of all see what it is broadly. Please don’t expect a clinical definition from me. This is just context. This is here so that we can understand our starting position. If you want really to understand what it is, there are many other better resources available.
So, one of the things I’ve learned as I’ve looked more into it, that there are lots of definitions, lots of categories. There are different types of narcissism. There’s covert narcissism, vulnerable narcissism. There’s grandiose, there’s communal narcissism, there’s malignant narcissism, and on and on.
They all present in different ways. Communal narcissism is a, an interesting one. It’s where you have somebody who is seeking adulation from others through acts that look like they are altruistic. So they are doing good works and in that act of doing good works, they’re looking for the group to give them praise. So you can see how this might be the kind of thing that we would see in church. It’s common, in fact, in church context.
Let’s look at Matthew chapter 23, verses five to seven. “They do all their deeds to be seen by others, for they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, and they love the place of honour at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces, and being called Rabbi by others.”
Jesus is describing narcissistic religious leaders. This is not a new, modern 21st century phenomenon.
Luke chapter 18 verses 11 to 14. ‘The Pharisee standing by himself prayed thus. “God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give tithes of all that I get.”
But the tax collector standing far off would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.”
I tell you, this man went down to his house, justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.’
There’s a clear contrast here, isn’t there, between the tax collector and the religious leader. But who in that little example is the narcissistic one?
Another type of narcissism is collective narcissism. Again, this is really important when we’re considering its impact in church. That’s where an organisation functions narcissistically.
The organisation is dependent on, and it’s hungry for validation from outside. It is very satisfied with itself. Chuck DeGroat says, “Narcissistic systems exist for themselves even though their mission statements and theological beliefs may be filled with a language of service, selflessness , justice, and care.”
And in this quote, we see one of the identifying features of narcissism is that it is a hidden sin. It is a sin of masks.
Narcissism is also a spectrum. And then not all of that is unhealthy. It’s actually okay for us to consider ourselves, in fact, scripture tells us to do that, to look at ourselves. Maybe not narcissistically! But Romans 12, verse three says, “For by the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”
So we are not being told by scripture to ignore ourselves. We are just being told to hold ourselves in right perspective.
At its worst, narcissism boils down to building up this false self, a different, fake identity. And the reason people do that, usually without really being aware they’re doing it, is a defense against the shame that they feel. Deep, deep shame.
This false persona hides them, hides them from the world, shows a more perfect self so that they are not going to feel the shame that they think they would feel if they revealed their true self. And this happens generally at a very unconscious level.
Narcissism is generally self-absorption. People are very, very concerned with who they are and how they appear, but that self-absorption is usually hidden.
So the true self, the hidden self is this really fragile entity that has to be protected at all costs. And so defense of that self becomes a non-negotiable. And that means when a narcissist’s back is up against the wall, you will see the true colours come out.
They tend not to have any true empathy. They may be aware of how other people are feeling, but that is not as important to them as how they feel. And this then can lead to this tendency to exploit others. Other people are pawns in the narcissist’s game.
The narcissist generally needs constant affirmation, positive words, adoration, and that need is inexhaustible. We can call this “narcissistic supply”. If you have become somebody’s narcissistic supply, that means the way you function in their lives is to give them that affirmation, that praise that they so desperately crave, but which never reaches the inner, hidden, shamed person.
So it’s this potent and toxic combination of both pride and shame. And scripture consistently identifies pride and this exaltation of the self as a core spiritual disorder. So fundamentally, we’re dealing with hearts that are not fully submitted to God, even though they may appear to be. And so that’s sin.
And so in narcissism we have components that are clearly sinful. We have this pride which is triggered by shame. Proverbs 16, verse 18 says, though, ” Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
God has no time for pride. Romans 10 verses 11 says, ” For the scripture says, everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”
So there is no need for us to feel shame at all, if we put our trust in God. So this pride and this shame go against the word of God.
Another aspect of this narcissism that is sinful is this self idolatry. Two Timothy, chapter three verses one to five says, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen, with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness but denying its power. Avoid such people.”
That is really a clear picture of what we see in narcissistic self-aggrandising personalities in the church.
And there’s one more sinful component of narcissism. In this act of hiding the true self and presenting a fake self, we are despoiling the image of God in which we are made because God thinks that we are beautiful and acceptable and enough the way he made us, and there is no need for us to hide who we are in him. We, of course, are fallen, and that means that sin has entered into us, and that sin is not acceptable to God. But we are.
So narcissism presents as this excessive self love, but really it is this terrible defense against shame for a broken person.
So narcissism can be found in the church and that shouldn’t surprise us because the church is full of people, and people are all sinners, including and especially me. Now, leadership positions within a church, they naturally, though, not necessarily rightly, they generate authority, a position of admiration, a platform, spiritual legitimacy, visibility, affirmation. And we can see that these are all things that the narcissist craves. Especially admiration. Especially legitimacy.
So they attract narcissists, these positions, because the narcissist craves this. And that kind of position can be really dangerous if the church does not have built in structures of true accountability. Can people say no to the decisions of these people who are in these leadership positions?
It’s also dangerous when there’s no humility. Humility has to be across the board., And I mean literally a church board, if there is one. It has to be all members are operating with humility towards one another.
So these frontline positions in the church, they often attract charismatic people and narcissists are often charismatic. They’re charming when they choose to be because that is part of their defense. That is part of this fake persona they’ve generated. That persona that needs to be acceptable to others.
Chuck De Groat says, ” I’ve most often seen bullies in non-denominational contexts. And many are the founders, planters and entrepreneurs who guard their churches and organisations like the extensions of the narcissistic ego they are.”
So it’s helpful if we have some way of recognising the signs of narcissism at work in our leaders. And here are some things that we can look out for.
Do leaders micromanage dissent? If people disagree with them, do they work really, really hard to control that disagreement?
How do leaders respond to criticism or correction? Because every church leader is going to experience criticism. Are they open to it? Are they resistant? Will they personally change?
Are questions silenced with retaliatory criticism? When people question them, are they accused of having a lack of faith? Are they accused of being in rebellion? Are they accused of being an Accuser of the Brethren?
Does a leader, a church leader, seek to be first in all things? Like Diotrophes in three John verses nine to 10. “I have written something to the church, but Diotrophes who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.”
Do you recognise that kind of behaviour?
Are leaders domineering? Look at the contrast here in one Peter five, verses two to three. Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.
Do the leaders claim that God has given them specific direction? And it’s okay to hear specific direction from God, but if they claim that, do they then use that to bypass accountability? Do they say, well, it doesn’t really matter what you think. It doesn’t really matter what the elders say. God has told me this, so that’s what we’re going to do.
Are volunteers in the church showing signs of burnout or depression? Look at Ezekiel chapter 34 verses two to five. “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them, even to the shepherds, ‘Thus says the Lord God: Ah, shepherds of Israel, who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness, you have ruled them.'”
Is a leader leaving a trail of devastation? Human wreckage? Are people burning out? Are they walking away? Is there carnage?
Is there evidence of emotional or spiritual manipulation? And this can be really subtle and hard to spot, and we shouldn’t too readily accuse people of this. But once you’ve seen it, you’ll recognise the signs.
Do the leaders submit? In the Jerusalem Council that you see happening in Acts 15, there’s a decision that needs to be made over this question of circumcision and the Gentiles. And they all gather together to wrestle with the subject together. And they mutually submit to one another in order to make that decision.
And look at Proverbs 12 verse 15. The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
Do leaders seek the advice of others and then submit to it? Or do they operate as if they’re always right?
Narcissists, of course, mask, and we can’t necessarily tell who they are. And some of the masks that we can see in church can be things like feigned humility, this tendency to beat themselves up in public. But any emphasis on self can be a red flag.
Or do they show signs of extreme spirituality? Isaiah 29, verse 13 b. “This people draw near with their mouth and honour me with their lips while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men.” Is this spirituality true spirituality, or is it a compensation for an inner sense of shame and inadequacy?
Do these leaders demonstrate an excessively radical public obedience? There’s an antidote to this. Look at Matthew chapter six verse one. “Beware of practicing your righteousness
before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.”
We don’t need public recognition for the things that we do in the name of God. We can be humble and let God reward us in his own good time.
Another mask, testimonies or personal anecdotes that glorify the speaker more than God. And you may especially see this in sermons, is the speaker, is the leader drawing attention to themself.
One thing that we should watch out for in church as we deal with this question of narcissism is that victims can end up being revictimised if they are not well looked after. Chuck DeGroat says, “Those affected by narcissism’s bite were led to believe it was their fault – a lack of humility, a failure to submit.” So then what should we do if narcissism has entered our church? The first thing I would say is that we need to check our own hearts, our own motives. We are not going on a witch hunt ever.
Every person in the church is beloved by God. Every person in the church is a sinner. Every person who is submitted to Christ is a sinner saved by grace. So we should never, when we are looking to seek out narcissism in ourselves and others, assume that we are better than anyone else.
We need to be willing to face and process deep trauma and shame. So the narcissist will be in a state of hidden shame and will need lots of compassion and empathy and assistance in coming out of that.
The victims of narcissism will have deep trauma themselves, and they too will need assistance and pastoral support. And church leaders are well advised to have resources in place for these situations so that they are ready.
When we’re in our churches, we shouldn’t be seeking prestige or power. All we need to be seeking is greater transformation into the likeness of Christ. James and John through their mother sought prestige and power, and you can see what Jesus thought of that in Matthew 20 verses 20 to 28. Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came up to him with her sons, and kneeling before him she asked him for something. And he said to her, “What you want?” She said to him, “Say that these two sons of mine are to sit one at your right hand and one at your left in your kingdom.”
Jesus answered, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?” They said to him, “We are able.” He said to them, “You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.”
And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers. But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
So from that passage, we can see that what we need to do in church is to be servants, not to be seeking glory for ourselves or even for our church organisation. The only glory we should ever seek is God’s. We are servants to his glory.
We should also recognise that character is more important than gifting. Consider Solomon this wise ruler in Israel. And yet how his reign went downhill when he walked away from the commands of God. And contrast him with Joseph, who in humility, was able to be elevated to a position of authority because he’d been humble all the way so that great blessing could be brought to those who were facing starvation.
We see more about character and how it triumphs over gifting in one Corinthians 13, how love should be manifest in all we do. And of course, in the Fruit of the Spirit. From Galatians chapter 5 22 to 23, and this should be how we operate at all times, friends. But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
And so also in church, we need to hold ourselves and our leaders to the standard set out in one Peter chapter five, verses two to three, Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.
And so with this in mind, we pursue true humility for ourselves and for our leaders, for ourselves if we are leaders. Look at Philippians chapter two verse three. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
That one verse is a complete antidote to narcissism. We do nothing from selfish ambition. We do nothing to protect ourselves. In humility we are thinking that everyone around us is more significant than we are. And so we are being servants to all.
And so we truly put off the old self. We are following Christ. One Peter, chapter two, verse 21, For to this, you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
What are his steps my friends? They are steps of suffering, not glorification.
We operate through humility in service in our churches. Matthew chapter six continues in verses two to four. “Thus when you give to the needy sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”
Do we personally need spiritual reputation? Does our church need a spiritual reputation? Or is it more important that people look at what we do at what our churches do, and give glory to God, not to the church and not to us.
So how do we apply this? What can we practically do in situations where we are responsible for narcissism or we see it around us?
The personal aspect is that if you are affected by a narcissist, withdraw narcissistic supply. Remember, it is a trap to get into, to be the person that is stroking the fake outer ego of the narcissist. Just don’t do it.
Boundaries are really helpful. If you are faced with someone who is narcissistic towards you. You say no. You may face an explosion, but that doesn’t matter. It is more important that you protect yourself from that narcissistic person.
But also we should look at ourselves with sober judgment as we saw before. Reflect on our own identity, our own tendencies, our own broken character. Is there anything that God would repair?
Now note this isn’t so that we can feel shame because that can lead us into narcissism. No, it’s simply so that these faults are exposed to God and that he can repair us as only he can.
Something else we might seek and I would recommend is counselling. because it is very useful to be able to have a non-judgmental conversation with someone about what’s going on in your self. And in this way, many people have found that they can bring to light things that they have hidden unwittingly.
We should also operate, as I said before, with compassion for narcissists. They are living in fear and shame, and that is a terrible state to be in.
What can we do in our churches? Well, as pastors, we need to be alert for signs of abuse in our churches, in the homes of our congregants, so that we can be aware and helpful to those who are experiencing, who are victims of narcissism.
But pastors aren’t called to fix everything personally. They may not be qualified to, they may not be gifted to. So pastors should refer to specialists, the victims, and the perpetrators. Make sure we have contact details available up front for when these situations arise. That’s just wise readiness.
Having a plurality of elders is helpful. And I would say, and this may just be my personal opinion here, without a lead elder, without a dominant elder. Is that necessary? Is it necessary to have a “first among equals”? Because we risk if we have that, putting someone in a position that may lead to their narcissistic downfall.
In fact, all elders are servants, first and foremost, to each other and to the congregation. But having a plurality of elders is really helpful so that one another can watch out for the signs of these negative tendencies.
Narcissism may be a lifelong condition, but it may just be for a season, and this may be something that the elders can help each other with.
How else can we help in our churches? We can encourage confession as a culture. I don’t see a lot of this in Western churches. We are told in scripture to confess our sins to one another. But I think we don’t because we feel shame, because we are scared of being open with one another.
How can we build that culture? This is something to ponder.
We need to distinguish gift from character. It’s wonderful to have gifted people in our churches, but don’t necessarily put them straight into positions of responsibility until we’ve established what their character is. It’s clear in the instructions towards appointing elders and deacons that we, look into people’s character.
But this is just a general wise suggestion. If you’re going to admit somebody into your worship team, will that be helpful to them? Find out who they are first.
Something else we can do in the church is to encourage and normalise correction. We are to correct each other and that needn’t be confrontational. Proverbs 27, verse 17. Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another.
We are to be iron sharpening iron, and that can be uncomfortable. But we should welcome it because it’s good for us and it’s good for each other, and it’s loving.
I would suggest avoiding personal and corporate branding. You know, narcissism can be collective. We can have a brand that becomes important. Our church brand can take on an identity almost of its own.
Are we drawing people to a brand or are we drawing them to Jesus? Are we drawing people to ourselves or are we drawing them to Jesus? Avoid these things my friends.
Constantly promote true humility, glorifying Christ above all. Micah chapter six, verse eight: He has told you, O man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justice and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.
And then this from John the Baptist, in John chapter three, verse 30, and I love this verse. This is a good verse to say, as a worship leader, as a preacher, before you embark on any activity on stage, say this: “He must increase, but I must decrease.”
We are not in any position to glorify ourselves in church. We are there purely to redirect attention to the living God.
So what would I ask you to do having gone through all of this with me? And thank you for your time here. I would suggest we start with self-examination before we move on to accusation. Accusation may be appropriate, and we have Matthew 18 to help us in how we do that.
But we should examine ourselves first, examine our heart before God in humility. And then we’re not at risk of trying to take a speck out of someone else’s eye when there’s a plank in our own.
We should be committed to Christ-centered community. He is above all things. He is before all things. In him all things hold together. Christ, first at all times in every meeting.
We should pray for our church leaders. Church leaders are under attack continually, often from their own congregation. They need our prayerful support. Narcissism is something that’s extremely difficult to deal with and it can do great damage. So the very best thing for us to do, first of all, is to be on our knees in prayer before God about this.
I just wanted to end on this final quote from Chuck DeGroat to whom I am indebted. He says, “Our great sin is that we run from the beauty of our God-given, God gifted, God loved reality, as image bearers – humans designed to be enough without all of this extra baggage.”
God loves you as you are my friend. He loves me as I am. And in humility, we place ourselves completely at his disposal so he can change and shape us and remove all the bits that need removing, and fashion us into the image of his Son.
